Love, real, honest, committed, and determined, comes from an initial ache. Without that first ache and the pain of longing that it produces, love remains a mere seed in the heart. The emotion of love, that feeling of utter abandonment to the response of another, comes only from the initial ache of wanting yet not having. When two people fall in love they first give themselves to the reality of sacrifice. Without the disposition to give unreservedly, love cannot exist. Real love is painful precisely for this reason: it endures. Real love is also glorious for the same reason; it gives.
This is where I’m at with the Lord. My sense of entitlement is gone. The emotion of surprise has ceased. The question before me stands and shouts like a drunken Irish rover. “What are you in this for?” The pain has set in. The season of testing has come and my heart knows longing again. What do I really want? Do I want Jesus or His blessing? Do I love Him for who He is or for what He does? Do I trust Him? Is HE really all I want? Or do I want Him so long as He makes me feel good? Wow, is my god Santa Claus? Or is my God the God I see bleeding on a cross, losing His life, suffering because of obedience and committed love to the desire of another?
What does love look like? It’s not romance, I can tell you that. The human heart is fickle. Emotions come and go. How does God define love? The pain of these questions is surpassed only by the answers I find. Love is gritty. It smells. It hurts. It is an ache that feels like nothing I had ever imagined. Love is brutal. The romantic love of Hollywood never conquered kingdoms, risked everything, or died unnoticed and alone. The love of Jesus does so in a world of cheap imitation. It reminds me of fake crab meat: just enough taste to keep you chewing while your taste buds assure you that this is not, in fact, crab.
The love that God longs for caused Him so much pain that He could not look on His Son’s death. I sometimes wonder if the love I offer Him brings relief to His heart. And then I have to ask myself, as I ask for help, if I could ever love like that. I want to. I think. So I continue to ache, and long, and feel His pain. He wants us so bad it hurts. No love song can capture the essence of His pain. Nothing man produces is worthy. It takes God to love God. So my prayer today is that the Holy Spirit, the bond of love in the trinity, would escort me into the living flame of love. Aching, it seems, is the only way forward.
